Twisted Sunshine

An Open Letter to my Heart 2010/02/15

Dear Heart,

Nobody knows the pain of heartbreak better than I do.

When was the last time I told you that?

Recently, life has been a spectator sport for me. I’m living it at the sidelines because of a fairly recent crash-and-burn episode. What else is new anyway? It’s like hearing Britney Spears singing in the background time and again, “Oops! I did it again”. True enough, this isn’t the first time you’ve been bruised and scarred because I messed things up, most of the time.

Yeah, I know. You never failed to warn me for the nth time — but I stubbornly shook my head in defiance thinking that this time, I may be right.

But I wasn’t.

It took me quite a while to realize, and to finally admit to myself, that I have fallen in love with someone I should not have fallen in love with. The wall that used to be my shelter has slowly crumbled down at my feet.

Without warning, I slowly stirred from my trance, like a light bulb inside my head was turned on. I was once again reminded of the cruel realities of life. People who previously appeared as angels were now creeping back to me as monsters of my past. Places that seemed beautiful and magnificent now looked haunted. A variety of unfamiliar feelings slithered inside me—jealousy, sadness, bitterness.

Once more, I am everything I swore I never will be again.

Like always, I have shed a million tears because of love and probably more tears will come for so long as I live and breathe. But just the same, you never faltered. My dear heart, you remained to be my constant companion, my friend amidst all the cuts and bruises I have inflicted upon you.

Saying thank you is totally an understatement. But for now, it’s all I can afford to give.

My dear heart, thank you keeping my sanity back to life, (even on days when I aim to misbehave) not even for a bit of a second you thought of giving up on me. Seriously, thank you for being a constant reminder to me that I still am very much deserving to be loved — that in due time, fate will take a hand at one point or another; conspire with the universe, until true love finds me.

I get it now. I don’t really need to bust an artery to find love because it will find me, in God’s perfect time.

Forever and Always,
Leah