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Lucas turns 1! 2010/02/19

Posted by Leah Guarin in Baby Milestones, Run Lucas Run.
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February 6th (Lucas’ 1st Birthday) was a bittersweet day for me. Early morning that day, I started to get a little sentimental. One moment he’s just learning to crawl; now, he’s able to sit without support and stand with very little guidance. I couldn’t believe how time flew so fast.

“My little Lucas is not a baby anymore”. I have been repeating that phrase to myself over and over again since last week. It’s a revelation that probably shouldn’t have come as a big surprise — kids grow up, that’s part of the deal we all sign up for when we become parents — but for some reason, I still could not bring myself to fully be acquainted with the changes.

He may not a baby anymore, but he’ll always be my baby.

Scarred People Are Beautiful 2010/02/17

Posted by Leah Guarin in Random Thoughts.
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Leafing through now yellowish pages of an old spring notebook I kept as a journal in High School, I saw a handwritten smeared copy of an old prose on the pages marked July 1998. The prose is a conversation that takes place between a man and God written by Rev. Charles Cooke entitled “Scarred People are Beautiful”.

Man Speaks:

I’ve seen a number of movies lately, Lord, like Romeo and Juliet.
The love of young people… at least in these movies is beautiful…so simple, so total, so uncomplicated.
They seem so natural, so free in their emotions, so clear in their feelings.
I wish I could be like that, Lord.
But I can’t be.
I’ve been hurt, Lord.

I have trusted and been betrayed at times.
I have loved and received nothing in return.
I have tried to care and failed…often.
I have shared my secrets and heard them whispered to others.
I’ve been through it, Lord.

I’ve fallen on my face.
I’ve banged my shins.
I’ve been bruised.
Look, Lord, I’m all covered with scars.

The LORD speaks:

Maybe you haven’t understood enough.
Maybe you haven’t learned that human life is like that: all saints are scarred.
Young love isn’t the highest form of human love.
The greatest love comes from scarred people.

I know many people stop loving so they won’t be hurt again.
But those who do start over again who continue in spite of all who leave themselves open to the possibility of hurt again…
These people are able to love in a deeper way, a more understanding way, a richer way.

Man Speaks:

I think I know what you mean, Lord.
I’ve met people like that…and knowing them gives me courage.
The great people are those who continue to love with all their scars.
I like scarred people, Lord.
They are beautiful.

This prose has somewhat affected and pushed me to become the kind of person I am right now.

I have abandoned flirting with happiness and all its promises. I chose to let go of any coherent thought, or logic. I chose to open my eyes, but see things on a shaded light. I chose to hear what others have to say, but never to make judgment based on that.

I turn to beauty and irony, the irony of beauty. I cannot help but see beauty in melancholy, beauty in the otherwise mundane and inexplicable suffering. I believe that by being human, we are capable of pain and suffering, that alone makes us beautiful.

So regardless of our ironies and insecurities and other ignorable facts of who we are as a people, do not forget that “We are Beautiful”.

Letter to Lucas 2010/02/16

Posted by Leah Guarin in Mailbox for Letters.
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My Dearest Lucas,

As fate would have it, you came into my life about a year ago. Episodes of our first meeting as I first laid eyes on you were magical. You opened my eyes to a wonderful place, and indeed, I felt bliss.

Born eight (8) weeks earlier than expected, you were then so very tiny. I remember holding you in my arms for the first time and experiencing the whole gamut of feelings from anxiety to elation and delight.

I couldn’t tell you how nervous I felt at the prospect of being a first time mom. It took a while for me to come to terms with the fact that I was a mother and was going to be one forever. There was so much to explore, things I never thought existed, and emotions I have almost forgotten I was capable of feeling. I finally came across things that I only read in books and watch in movies.

You have awakened another level of being me. You made me think about life in a different perspective. You made me think about life beyond my own and its consequences.

I have learned how a simple smile can turn my day around and how discovery is such a multi-faceted experience. You melt my heart every time you smile complemented by how you lay your head on my shoulder after a long day at work.

My baby, you have inspired me by just being you. The relentless effort you put into discovering the world and developing your skills in all its tiny variations have astounded me in more ways than one.

Every milestone of yours was a kind of personal victory for me. Your first smile, your first word, your first step…. I was just amazed and once again overwhelmed at what a little miracle you are.

Our world, it seems, is in a profound time of transition. I do not know what will come, all I know is that for as long as I am breathing, I will always be here for you. You can count on me for being there when you need support in all its subtle appearances, a hand to help you when you attempt your first steps, a hand to catch you in case you might fall.

Words cannot express how much I love you, my little prince. You are my joy, my sunshine, my heart, my purpose for being — my everything.

We live our life in phases. When one ends, another begins. Change is constant and life is short. So seize the moment and live life to the fullest, have no regrets.

Forever and Always,
Mom

An Open Letter to my Heart 2010/02/15

Posted by Leah Guarin in Mailbox for Letters.
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Dear Heart,

Nobody knows the pain of heartbreak better than I do.

When was the last time I told you that?

Recently, life has been a spectator sport for me. I’m living it at the sidelines because of a fairly recent crash-and-burn episode. What else is new anyway? It’s like hearing Britney Spears singing in the background time and again, “Oops! I did it again”. True enough, this isn’t the first time you’ve been bruised and scarred because I messed things up, most of the time.

Yeah, I know. You never failed to warn me for the nth time — but I stubbornly shook my head in defiance thinking that this time, I may be right.

But I wasn’t.

It took me quite a while to realize, and to finally admit to myself, that I have fallen in love with someone I should not have fallen in love with. The wall that used to be my shelter has slowly crumbled down at my feet.

Without warning, I slowly stirred from my trance, like a light bulb inside my head was turned on. I was once again reminded of the cruel realities of life. People who previously appeared as angels were now creeping back to me as monsters of my past. Places that seemed beautiful and magnificent now looked haunted. A variety of unfamiliar feelings slithered inside me—jealousy, sadness, bitterness.

Once more, I am everything I swore I never will be again.

Like always, I have shed a million tears because of love and probably more tears will come for so long as I live and breathe. But just the same, you never faltered. My dear heart, you remained to be my constant companion, my friend amidst all the cuts and bruises I have inflicted upon you.

Saying thank you is totally an understatement. But for now, it’s all I can afford to give.

My dear heart, thank you keeping my sanity back to life, (even on days when I aim to misbehave) not even for a bit of a second you thought of giving up on me. Seriously, thank you for being a constant reminder to me that I still am very much deserving to be loved — that in due time, fate will take a hand at one point or another; conspire with the universe, until true love finds me.

I get it now. I don’t really need to bust an artery to find love because it will find me, in God’s perfect time.

Forever and Always,
Leah